How can a person or family overwhelmed by the loss and despair that are often the consequences of disaster and trauma find the courage to live a full life? The continuity principle spells out what are the major challenges in the process of recovery: a) maintaining or reclaiming the ability to act, b) cherishing or restoring personal ties, and c) evolving a coherent personal narrative that allows for a positive and continuous sense of self.
The posts in the present series clarify how NVR can fill this bill. We shall start by analyzing Peter Jakob`s suggestions (2025) for the treatment of Jean, a multi-stressed and multi-traumatized mother of a 16-years old violent and self-endangering boy (Bobby)[1]. We shall try to understand how the tools of NVR helped her to restore her functioning, relationships and identity, rebuilding the continuities that her traumatic history had shattered. We shall also see how in looking after herself, she also became able to take better care of her son.
Jean had been the victim of violence from her father, ex-male partner (Bobby's father), and son. She came to therapy because Bobby constantly stole money and blackmailed her in order to buy drugs. He threatened her and sometimes physically attacked her because she "misbehaved". Bobby's condition had rapidly deteriorated after he joined a gang in the neighborhood. Jean's ex-partner was in jail because of domestic violence, but was expected to be released in a few months. The prospect of his release hovered like a black cloud over Jean's and Bobby's future. For the moment, however, she had trouble enough dealing with her son. She worried about him no end, was in constant fear of his threats and broke in tears as she confessed that she was so angry, afraid and worn out that she could not even feel that she loved him. Lately she had become depressed, had trouble getting up in the morning, and had been fired twice for absenting herself from work.
In order to develop a working alliance with Jean it was necessary to pay close attention to her traumatic experiences, both past and present. This, however, might not be enough to mobilize her to constructive action. It was also necessary to focus on her survival skills and on the steps that she had succeeded in taking, time and again, for her own and her child's protection. In their talks, the therapist referred to her "tragic fate", which seemed to have brandmarked her as a consecutive victim of her father, partner and son. He asked her to tell of her experiences as an abused child, fearing not only for herself, but also for her mother, who was also victimized by her father. The therapist asked her, what had helped her to survive. It turned out that her mother had often deflected her husband's violence to herself, thus sparing Jean from his attacks. She also shared that after a bout of violence, she and her mother would comfort and support each other. She remembered how at the age of 10 she would prepare breakfast for both of them, when her mother was in bed, hurting, after a particularly vicious attack. She told of a neighbor, with whom she sometimes would stay, when the screaming at home became unbearable. She told how, in adolescence, she had developed a demanding sports routine that kept her body and mind busy. The therapist asked her what had helped her and her son to survive the violence to which they were subjected. There was a shadow of a smile on her lips, as she shared, how she would sometimes pour a double dose of whiskey into his glass right after he came home, so as to get him to fall asleep before her son came back. She related with a mix of pride and that she had been helped by a friend to go to the police, when she feared for her and her son's life. She was in deep fear that, once released, her ex-partner would come to the house, force himself into the house and revenge himself for her betrayal. The therapist asked her whether she had sometimes been able to resist her son's attempts at blackmail. It turned out that she hid her money and took away her jewels and other valuables from the house, to prevent Bobby from selling them. In one occasion, she had demanded that two of his friends leave the house in the middle of a drug party. She told them that if they did not leave immediately, she would call the police. The friends left and she succeeded in abiding by her son's anger. These conversations helped to re-narrate her tragic life as a story of victimization and survival, danger and protection, dereliction and support. In this narrative there was no minimization of her sufferings. However, the wonder of her survival created some light in the darkness, serving as a leitmotiv that inspired courage for the next steps.
The following sessions focused on two key elements of NVR: a) reducing escalation and b) relationship gestures. She was helped to pinpoint the reactions on her side that led the situation with Bobby to escalate. A few rehearsals helped her to avoid those errors and convey messages of self-control and strength, while also showing that she cared. The principle of delay ("strike the iron when it is cold") helped her not only to avoid reacting immediately, but also to come back to the issue with a firm message. The principle of delay is one of the best ways to manifest continuity. In striking the iron when it is cold, Jean showed that she remembered, followed up and thought about her son, "minding" him continuously during the wait period. In learning to tell her son, "I don't accept this! I'll come back to you and tell you what I've decided!", she started to transform their experience from a chaos of unrelated moments to an orderly sequence of foretelling ("I'll come back to you!"), remembering ("Regarding what happened yesterday…") and planning ahead ("I`ve decided that from now on, I'll…"). She was also "lending her memory" to her son, who seemed to be so absorbed by the moment, as to completely forget what had happened yesterday or would happen tomorrow.
Jean invented a very original relational gesture. She would bake her son the cookies that he had loved since early childhood and wrap them in a special gift paper with the lunch bag that he took to school. The wrappings would have a written message on the inside, such as a memory of a good experience they had had together. It might begin with: "Do you remember how we went rowing with Sylvia?" Sometimes the message would be a statement of her belief in him or a reminder of his good qualities. Sometimes it would say simply: "I love you!" Writing those messages and preparing the treats was a powerful reminder of the love that was still alive inside her, even if she had found it difficult to feel it for a while. By reminding him and herself of pleasant moments in the past, she was reconstructing the warm sides of the family narrative, which had been all but obliterated by the endless stream of negative events. Jean made a surprising connection with a long-forgotten memory: Her mother had taught her to embroider. She remembered the pleasure in connecting the dots into colored lines, creating figures of flowers, fishes and butterflies. She felt as if in her cookie-messages to her son, she was connecting the dots of lost memory patterns.
In NVR, relational gestures and de-escalation are the necessary accompaniment to decided resistance. Actually, they already involve resistance. In order to find the courage for her relational gestures, Jean had to prepare herself for a possible rejection from Bobby. Depending on his mood, he might scream that he didn't care for her cookies and she might as well shove them… In the therapy, Jean rehearsed how she would respond, for instance, by telling him: "I made them because I love you, but I can't force you to eat them!", and then stopping the discussion and leaving the room without a show of indignation. The courage to act one-sidedly as a mother without expecting a positive response is part and parcel of NVR. By so doing, Jean was showing that she was back as a mother. We all know the central message of parental presence: "I'm your mother. You can't fire me or divorce me! I'm here and I'll stay here!" In the case of parents who feel erased in their parental roles, this message means "I'm back!" This "return of the parent" is enormously important for the child. But it is no less important for the parent. Jean was coming back to herself. She was re-owning her role as a mother. Perhaps at the beginning it felt strange for her to act in this way. But pretty soon, it was the previous estrangement that started to feel strange.
The moment in NVR that most clearly signals the move towards resistance is the announcement. For a parent in Jean's situation this task can be daunting. She needed support and preparation. Peter Jakob suggests that for a deeply traumatized mother, it may be overwhelming to start straightaway with a supporters' group. He proposes that asking the patient to choose one person with whom she can feel safe can be much more acceptable. Jean definitely preferred this option. It turned out that the friend (Sylvia) that she chose as a supporter would prove to be a bridge reconnecting Jean to herself and, later on, to other supporters. Sylvia came to the session together with Jean, and the therapist gave her a brief explanation about NVR, focusing on the announcement. Sylvia helped Jean to write the announcement, rehearse it, and stood by her in the actual delivery. In the role-play, the therapist asked Jean to "stage the scene". She should tell Sylvia how to sit (after trying out the option of her sitting at her side, she directed Sylvia to sit at Bobby's side), how she should react if her son became aroused (she should put her arm on his shoulder and tell him "I'm on your side, too!"), and how Sylvia should signal her to stop talking or preaching. They also rehearsed how they should interrupt the announcement, if things got out of hand. The announcement focused on violence, threats and thefts. Jean reported after the announcement:
"It was important for me that we wrote it together! Having another pair of eyes made me feel that what I was writing made sense. I was surprised that I could do it! I respected myself, but I respected my son, too! When I and Sylvia left, I felt great!"
This brief description touches on all three fields of the continuity principle: renewal of agency ("I was surprised that I could do it"), interpersonal continuity ("It was important for me that we wrote it together") and restoration of a positive identity ("I respected myself").
As the therapist inquired what had helped Jean find the courage for the announcement, she said that she could not have done it without Sylvia. Her role in the preparation and presence during the delivery made a world of a difference. Jean said that the image of her friend calming her son in the rehearsal by laying her arm on his shoulder had a profound calming effect upon her. When the friend actually did it in the act of delivery, Jean smiled to herself. Probably this had the additional effect of helping Bobby to calm down, as it showed him that his mother was not tense or aggressive.
This use of the image of her friend's supportive gesture as a calming device for herself was mentioned by Jean as helpful also in other circumstances. She now used it consciously as an inner prop for regaining self-control. This merits special consideration. As we know, in many trauma-therapies the patient is asked to develop an image of safety that can be of help in situations where traumatic memories surface. A typical example is that of lying on a beach, listening to the waves and feeling the warmth of the sun. These images are used to counter the troubling effects of trauma-related contents. In this we can see why NVR can be a trauma therapy in its own right. As in other trauma therapies, NVR helps develop images of safety that have a calming effect in situations that trigger traumatic memories. But the difference is no less profound than the similarity. Whereas in traditional trauma therapies the image of safety is unrelated to the stressful situations, in NVR, the image of safety is chosen because of its direct relevance to them. In terms of the continuity principle, the image of safety creates a bridge between the therapeutic rehearsal and the life-situation where it is applied, or between the memory of the life-situation in which it was applied (the delivery of the announcement in the present case) and other challenging situations. The image of safety is a carrier of continuity.
One of the important links that were made in the therapy was that between the recent deterioration in her son's condition and his anxiety about his father's expected release from jail. Bobby had told his mother that if his father tried to attack them, he would find out that he was no longer alone. This revealed one probable motive behind Bobby's joining the neighborhood gang. Jean, who was also preparing herself for her ex-partner's release, told Bobby: "Don't worry! I'm also no longer alone! Now I have a tribe of my own!" A few weeks after the announcement, Sylvia helped her to contact 3 common childhood friends and 2 cousins, with whom she had grown up. She shared with them details of the abuse and of her deep anxiety toward his release. It turned out that one of her friends was also abused by her husband. They decided they would help each other to protect themselves. Together, they contacted a group of mutually supporting abused women. That's why Jean referred to her "tribe". She had a whole network of supporters. The group of abused women helped her strengthen her new self-narrative: She now felt to be a resisting woman, who was abused in the past, but was now able to fight for herself and her son. In this way, continuity is not only more of the same, but also involves transformation. It is never the same identity from the past that is maintained, but a different one, which includes memories of loss and pain, but also of achievements, recovery and strength.
With the help of her friends and cousins, Jean had staged a courageous act of resistance in confronting Bobby. When he came home one evening he found his mother with three supporters in his room. She told him that he had to take all forbidden things (drugs, stolen things, knives) out of his room and out of the house. She would give him one day to do it, after which she would check his room every few days, to make sure there was nothing unallowed. After making this announcement, she stayed with the supporters in his room in silence for a long while. When they left, Sylvia stayed with him in his room, thus turning the confrontation into a supportive act. In this way, Bobby had come to know that his mother had a "tribe" of her own. He might also be considering whether joining it might not be a good idea.
This feeling was probably reinforced when Jean and her friend told him about their plan for the day of his father's release. Jean and two supporters made a visit to her ex-partner's mother. Jean brought with her the few belongings of his that were still in her possession. Jean told her that she wished him all the best, but made it clear that she did not want to see him anymore. She said that if he wanted to contact his son, he should do it through the social services. The supporters added that any attempt on his part to approach Jean or Bobby in other ways would be resisted. Jean showed her an emergency bracelet that she was wearing, which she would not hesitate to use if he came near her. When Bobby was told of this plan, he was impressed. He said he did not want to see his father again. Jean and her friend told him that the social services would probably contact him, offering to organize a protected meeting with his father. Sylvia told him that if he decided to participate, she would be happy to come with him. He was moved and said that he would think about her offer. He now felt hugged and protected in ways that his gang could never offer him. In the next few weeks, he started to dissociate himself from his delinquent friends. He said that they were always drinking and sniffing and the last thing he wanted was to be a drunk and an addict like his father. He started to think of his period with the gang as a temporary crisis. Now, he seemed to be slowly reconnecting with those parts of himself that had seemed to be buried by the chaos and turmoil of the last few years.
References
Jakob, P. (2025). Non-Violent Resistance in Trauma Focused Practice: A Systemic Approach to Therapy and Social Care. Routledge.
[1] This is a composite case built out of some of Jakob`s examples.
Comments